Accepting a traumatic birth the second time around
Recently we celebrated my second son turning one.
Rather than celebrating the big day all I could do was imagine...
This time last year it was a normal day.
This time last year we had just had tea.
This time last year I was now in labour, my waters broke, I was in the bath, he was here.
My birth was 50 minutes start to finish unexpected, fast and on my own in the bath at home.
I hadn't thought of H's birth as a traumatic one but it was.
Just because it was a "good" birth in the terms of mine and the baby's physical health it still affected me mentally.
The truth was it was only a year down the line and a therapy appointment that I acknowledged that I did have another traumatic birth.
Just because it wasn't like the first time round where I suffered physical trauma and was hospitalised doesn't mean this birth didn't traumatise me.
Just because my baby didn't end up in NICU like his brother and after a short hospital visit and a quick surgery, we were discharged on the same day doesn't mean it wasn't traumatic.
Because it didn't play out like the first time I thought it was okay.
My birth was not what I envisioned second time round, but it was taken out of my hands.
I didn't think it was traumatic but when I was reliving it, struggling to move on again in those first weeks and thereafter.
I had put so much pressure on myself to have a "good birth" second time round and not to have a repeat of my previous experience so I would get closure.
I would get what everyone else had; a "normal" birth.
Second time round because everything was so different and we were back home within hours and I felt physically well and the baby was okay I thought I got what I had craved since my eldest's birth.
I had written in my birth plan about the trauma of my first birth and my midwives were so mindful of that. Despite me having already given birth I needed surgery and they were so understanding of my previous situation and the effect it had on me.
But, it wasn't long before I began to struggle again after we got home.
As a blogger, I thought wow I've got a great story to tell with this birth story but it was one that once again I couldn't move past.
Each day that passed post-natally I flash backed to where we were with each birth journey unable to focus on the present I instead lived in the past.
Was it because I hadn't truly moved past my first birth trauma that I couldn't accept my second?
We tried to make light of it, having a baby in the bath on your own and having to go to hospital still attached to him isn't something you can say every day is it?!
I buried it, laughed when I was supposed to, told people the script off my blog.
It was until I sat in the therapists room and told her about the births she stopped and asked how I actually felt about my second birth.
No one had before.
I was asked if I was physically okay, the baby was okay, but never how I felt about the birth.
I couldn't find the words, I didn't know.
I was offered the birth reflection service but with my "good" birth I didn't need it. Right?
Two births.
Two traumas.
Two completely different experiences.
Just because it was a "good" birth doesn't make it any less traumatic.
I went on to develop severe post-natal depression and part of that was due to not accepting my second birth as a traumatic one.
I was so focused on not having history repeat itself, that when it didn't I took it as being okay.
But, it wasn't.
I am sure if you ask someone about the birth of their child/ children they will remember it with vivid clarity.
I didn't just remember, I relived it over and over again to a point that 12 months down the line I was still reliving it, and getting flashbacks and I was a wreck.
My son's first birthday was tainted with a lingering trauma.
One I have now accepted.
Trauma doesn't fit a standard template.
It isn't a one size fits all.
It effects everyone differently and you might not even realise until later on.
Regardless, we must talk, share our stories and normalise birth trauma as it isn't anything to be ashamed of, it's a normal part of life.
Emma is a Birth Trauma, PTSD lived experience expert and Maternity, PNMH Services Improvement Campaigner.
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