A sense of failure
Just the thought of possibly sharing my story with you (which I've been quite quiet about) brought me into floods of tears and so I know it's probably something I need to talk about.
I miscarried my 1st baby at 18/19 weeks which scared me so much that I waited years before even considering putting myself through anything like that again.
During my second pregnancy I vomited so much I lost 3 and a half stone, feared I would lose him right up until 37 weeks, couldn't even look in the baby aisle never mind buy ANYTHING, I had an extremely long and exhausting Labour which then ended up being an emergency c section after my 10 4.5lbs baby boy was stuck and struggling to cope, he was rushed to the special care baby unit with head injuries a kidney disorder and struggling to breath. I then lost consciousness and had to have an operation on my womb and then 2 blood transfusions. I wasn't allowed to meet him right away and every hour that passed was absolute torture not knowing for sure if he was ok. The consultant explained that we both were extremely lucky to be alive, that I had been very anaemic and that I should have been induced at 37 weeks.
I struggled to bond with my baby, I couldn't breast feed him, I felt like someone had given me somebody else's 3 month old giant baby, I was underweight anaemic and probably a bit traumatised but for whatever reason, I smiled to everyone and anyone, acted like I was just happy that I got to go home with my baby and didn't blink an eyelid at the lack of support I felt after getting home.
16 months later I feel I have an amazing bond with my boy, he is healthy and happy and I really love my big strong happy baby boy more than anything I secretly think of him as a miracle gift because I know so many people have been through worse.
I am surrounded by people who constantly talk like they have accomplished more because they gave birth naturally and breast fed and I'm ashamed to say it does make me feel like less of a mother or less of a woman. I have spoken to some of them about how my experience has made me feel but they continue to say things that enforce my negative feelings about my experience. Strangers, close friends, professionals have all contributed in different ways so I just don't talk about it, I don't tell anyone his age or birth weight because the next questions are always "did you give birth naturally" and something regarding breast feeding which is inevitable when they see the size of him, I just politely change the subject or turn questions on them if I can.
I would love to have more children, but I don't think I can go through anything like it again including all the things after the babies born like the lack of support and the questions/comparisons from others. It makes me so sad, I'm just hoping that once I feel physically healed and emotionally stronger I'll be able to cope better and see things differently. It would be so lovely to speak honestly to someone who understands who could put my mind to rest about it all or help me to see things from a better angle but I've yet to meet anyone who can.
It's quite isolating, my fears/perspective have probably made my situation worse for me, I don't really know how else to be/act or what to say to people.
